I love you, I just don't trust you

I don’t know who reads these blogs, or how often you do, but tonight I feel like doing something a little different. Tonight, I am going to be raw and honest, honest about myself. And mom (if you are reading this) don’t start freaking out and crying and thinking my life sucks and blah blah blah, but the truth, the truth is, I don’t trust people. I don’t trust my friends, I don’t trust my family, I don’t trust my co-workers, and tonight of all nights, I don’t trust the weather forecasters.

We were promised “the storm of all storms, a Snow-icane, the worst storm of the season.” I woke up at 6:00am this morning, flipped on the news and watched and waited, waited to hear just how bad this monster was going to be. It was coming down pretty good here by the airport, but just not sticking. Around 8:00am, they broadcasted and said around mid-afternoon, the highways were going to become impassable and that is when the bulk of the storm was going to hit.

That is when I made up my mind; I am going to call out of work. You see, I live 37 miles away and its all highway in. The last thing I wanted tonight was to be stuck out in the suburbs with no money, no change of clothes and no where to go. So, yes, I was a schmuck and I called out, and you know what, THEY WERE WRONG…At one point today it stopped snowing. I am so pissed off right now. I missed out on money, I put my co-workers in a difficult situation, and now I have this feeling that people at work are looking at me as, well as a wimp. It sucks, it’s a horrible feeling, and it just solidifies that I don’t trust people.

Now lets talk about the people that I call my friends. I love you guys, I do, but do I trust you? How can I when I don’t even trust myself? You judge, you all do, you know you do, how I do know you do, because I do, I judge peoples actions, I judge what people say and do, but does this mean I love you any less, no, I just don’t trust you. I can honestly say that there is MAYBE a handful of people in this world, that I would say, “okay, here is my life, I am putting it in the palm of your hand, don’t let me down,” and I know they wouldn’t. Others, I get it, believe me when I tell you, I get it, you have families, work, school, spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, other friends, work, miles in between us. Its not that I am upset, or love you any less, I just don’t trust you, and guess what….you should not trust me either! I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I am emotional, I am manic, I am selfish, but if there is one thing I am not, its perfect. I am not perfect, I am at times a great friend and at times I am horrible friend. I do however, love, I love with all of my heart. Once I have allowed you close to my heart, you always will remain there, now matter how bad you hurt me, or how long it is until I see you again. You will have a spot there.

Moving on, family, ahhh, I love talking about how I don’t trust my family. I would have to say that one of my most favorite people in this world is my mother. Hell, she made this body in which I live, but for the love of G-d, she drives me crazy. I call her and I ask, “how are you?” Her reply, ALWAYS…”Tired, I didn’t sleep well last night. She tells me that she is eating well, exercising, doing all the things that a 60-something should…LIES…she is lying, she is telling me this so I don’t worry, and bless her soul, I can understand why she does this. You know why I know, because I lie to her too! I lie all the time. I could be sick, and tell her, “oh, I’m fine.” Or I could be sad and depressed about something, and I will just say, “I’m tired it was a long day.” We lie, we lie because we don’t want each other to hurt. We love each other so much, that to hear the truth would be worse than a lie.

My father, hell, I don’t trust a single word that comes out of that mans mouth. I don’t even know if I trust when he tells me that he loves me. Okay, yea, I think he does love me, but I don’t think he likes me AT ALL! Not even a little. I think he calls me just because he feels like he is obligated, which, fine, if at the end of the day, that makes him feel like a dad, go ahead. How is it going to change my life? Its not.

I love my big sister. I do, I think she is beautiful and smart and cute, but Good Lord! I can’t sit in a room with her for more than thirty minuets before I want to throw something at her or throw me down a flight of stairs. Now, the question is, do I trust her? I trust she will be honest with me, I trust that she wants what is best for me, but I don’t trust that if my world were crashing down around me, she would be able to be there for me. I know she would want to be, but I just don’t think she is capable. Again, I love my sister with every fiber of my being, but it is so damn hard to trust her with the important things in my life.

Finally my co-workers, now, I know a lot of you may be reading this and I am sure I am going to get a lot of sideways glances from here on out, but you know what, that this is my platform, this is the only time I can say what I really want to say, and don’t you dare for a second tell me you all have not felt this yourself. I DON’T TRUST YOU! Now, some of you, a handful of you are very close to me, close and dear to my heart, you have brought me into your homes, your lives and your families, and for that I will be forever grateful, for that you will have my heart, I will lay down on tracks for. Others, well, others out there, you are simply out there for yourself. You could care less, who is around that CORNER, or helping you out. They just care about their pocket. URGH, its so frustrating and I don’t trust you!

Trust, it’s a slippery slope, one to tread lightly on. I give my trust to people too easily. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should hold on to it with both hands and question everyone’s motives before I give it away because before you know it, you are taken advantage of and sitting in your living room, on a cold windy cluster-snow night drinking Dynamite Vineyards 2007 Red Zinfandel. Since we are being honest here, I didn’t want to drink this wine tonight, I had no desire to drink something that was going to make me happy or full of joy. I certainly didn’t want to drink something called Dynamite. I wanted to sit here in the dark and wallow in my misery of being disappointed by people and especially this storm. I did however make a big pot of my amazing chili and when reading the back of the bottle it boasted that it paired nicely with something spicy, so I thought, ‘what the hell.’

The bottle is beautiful, I mean a real piece of artwork by Stephan Ward, it illustrates the Pomo Indian legend behind the diamond-like quartz that sparkles in one of the volcanic vineyard’s soils. The bottle goes on to explain that, “The moon wet when she could be with her lover, a Pomo chieftain, and her tears fell in the earth, forming glistening “Moon Tears.” Isn’t that a beautiful story and yet so fitting how life really is, from our tears, amazing things grow. Think about it.

I took my first sip of this Zinfandel and bam, it hit me! Dynamite is right. It was an explosion of flavors; I was almost too scared to go back for another sip. Honestly, I let it sit on my table for about 20 minuets before I did. But I am so glad I did. The big raspberry flavor, plum and currants right up front and as it float back you start to taste just a little bit of dark chocolate and finally ending with licorice.

With everything that is going on in my mind, my heart, my body right now and to top it off with the weather outside, I feel that Dynamite just may be the perfect wine for a night like tonight. It is paired perfectly with my spicy turkey chili. I am ready to turn the lights off, keep the candles glowing, sit by the window and wait, wait for some sort of truth to come to me.

Cheers!